Keeping it together

Keeping it together is a phrase that people use to describe maintaining some sense of control over a situation or their own life. I completely understand the reason to say this. Sometimes I feel like my life is a woven tapestry and all of my experiences are different lines or weaves or whatever the term is for a stitch in a tapestry. The world around me influences my reactions and thus impacts my ability to weave a tight line. As I start to lose control, my tapestry starts to unravel and I can't keep it together. A little hole here, a pulled thread there, and the whole thing loses its structure and my life starts to fall apart - or so it seems. When you are in the heat of a moment of frustration because of a loss of control, you do feel like your very existence is threatened.

I felt it unraveling this morning while trying to teach Cole to work independently on a puzzle. I got him started and patiently showed him the concept, explaining that he will just need to turn each piece to see which ones fit. Honestly, if I heard him say, "but you have to help me." once, I heard it 100 times. I don't mind doing puzzles with him but what happens is that I end up doing it and I really wasn't in a puzzle mood this morning. He is old enough to do it alone and only will be successful if he tries and sticks to it. If he wanted to do it badly enough, he would have.

What he really wanted was attention and I would have happily done something else with him but he wanted it his way. I stuck to my guns and am sure that some people think that I should have just put the puzzle together with/for him but the purpose was for him to work it out on his own. He did finally place the last couple of pieces. I told him to take it apart and do it again so that he could get the practice. He took it apart and then insisted once again that I had to help him. That is when I put it away and he took himself off to his room, slamming the door in the process.

We had a nice lunch with him quietly sitting at the table awaiting his meal with his brother. I told him that we were going to press the invisible reset button and explained what that means. So far, we are doing much better. I do hope that we both gain patience as we go along. I know that my long days are starting to wear on me. I shouldn't be having such trouble but I am. I miss Chris and so do the boys. Cole cried for him while he was in timeout and then cried, "Daddy is at work.

I am not complaining, just acknowledging that I am having a harder time coping with balancing all of the responsibilities than I expected. This is life now and we will eventually fall into a groove that is acceptable. Right now, I am just keeping it together.